Monday, October 5, 2009

Kim's Daybook for October 5th

FOR TODAY...from The Simple Women's Daybook

Outside my window... semi-fallish weather. It's definitely getting cooler.

I am thinking... There are only 12 days until I get married, so much to do!

I am thankful for... my friends

I am wearing... gray pinstriped pants, white shirt and gray cardigan. The outfit sounds a lot snazzier then it looks- none of my clothes are great right now.

I am remembering... how our wedding seemed so far away this time last year. Time moves by so quickly.

I am going... to get our marriage license today during lunch.

I am reading...not much right now, just too busy. Accounting is pretty much it.

I am hoping... to get as much as possible done this week, and to get more organized.

On my mind... lists, lists and... more to do lists.

Noticing that... the leaves have started to fall.

Pondering these words... "have you heard anything about the bridesmaid dresses? Yes, we still don't have them. *worries*

From the kitchen... it's very still right now, not a lot of time. My menu planning and cooking will begin once again in earnest once we are back from our honeymoon.

Around the house... Laundry needs to be done, and the basement needs to be cleaned for Bill's mom who will be here on Saturday.

One of my favorite things~ Boot season- it's almost here!

From my picture journal...

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Chelsea at Roots and Rings wrote an entry today about what memories she wants her children to also experience and asked us what ours were. This entry combined with more pondering then I normally do about my family (due to the wedding, weddings do that) has led me to realize that in every possible way I am the exact opposite.

Don't get me wrong; I didn't live through horrific abuse, I didn't bounce through foster homes, I didn't have to overcome any disability so it could have been a lot worse. I realize that. But for the most part I feel that I have scratched and clawed out who I am in spite of how I grew up and in spite of my "family" and it really shouldn't be that hard. On top of that, some things that I feel are serious flaws of mine are directly related to my childhood; such as my inability to show emotion towards people, my lack of hugging, my incredible lack of empathy, my distrust of humans, and I wish that it were my first inclination to be friendly and thoughtful to people. It's not.

I'll tell you what my childhood memories are- I remember my dad not picking me up from preschool on my 4th birthday when we were supposed to go to the zoo, I remember walking myself back to my sitters house and then hearing the hushed voices of her talking to my mother on the phone. I didn't see my dad again until I was 12. I remember my uncle and his family coming into town with their kids and telling my mom that I still had to go to the sitter for the day because they didn't want me to spend the day with them. I remember my mom telling me that my friends couldn't come over or stay overnight because she didn't want to have to feed them. I remember my mom telling me on repeat throughout my life that people could not be trusted, you could only trust yourself. I remember walking myself home in the afternoons with a key around my neck and being absolutely terrified that it was going to storm before my mom got home. I was scared of storms but I was too afraid to admit it because I didn't want to look like a baby. I was 8. Instead I just sat in my closet with my stuffed animals willing the storm to stop and never once mentioned it to my mom. I remember taking care of myself for as long as I could remember, I don't remember hugs, I don't remember kisses. I remember stress and that's about it. I hate christmas, I hate thanksgiving because they were never fun. They just added to the stress and loneliness that permeated throughout my childhood even when we went out to Utah to see my family. I always felt like an outsider. I remember my mother never once trusting me, even though I never gave her reasons not to. I remember her making mountains out of every mole hill and I remember her even telling me that I was possessed by Satan, because I was an incredibly angry teenager. No, I'm not joking. I was told when I turned 18 that I could come home on breaks from college, but that was it. My mom's job was over. I got 2 months when I got out of college and then tossed out.

On the bright side I do remember my friend's families that included me and took me in when they didn't have to. I remember my "aunt" (she wasn't really related) always making me feel loved and like I had some form of family. She was even our assistant scout leader one year.

I don't tell you these things for sympathy because honestly, that's who made me who I am. It made anything I do like about myself mean more to me, and the fact that I am such a giving person is on top of that pile. I can honestly say that no matter how poor we are or how little food we have, I'd never in my life say I refused to feed anyone who was in my house nor inform people they couldn't stop over because I didn't want to give. I will never be like my mother in that way, and I am thankful for that.

For my future children, it is my hope that they will always be loved. That they will know kisses and hugs and be the first to give them to others. That they will have a healthy amount of trust in others. That they will love holidays because they are filled with happy memories, and that they will never feel like they can't tell me that they are afraid of storms. If they are angry or upset as teenagers they will never feel that they are possessed or going to hell. They will have a healthy attitude about life, love and sex instead of issues they are forced to overcome for the rest of their lives. While stress is inevitable in life, they will never say that what they remember most was the stress. They will never feel that their best isn't good enough, because it always is whether their best is an A or a C or if their skill set is math or drawing. They will ALWAYS feel that they can come home again. No matter what.