Thursday, March 4, 2010

Bravo Wrap-Up

My new feature in which I blog about of the Bravo TV shows in the past week in a free thought format. I watch all of them, pretty much, so the featured show will rotate.

Millionaire Matchmaker:
There were two I hadn't seen, both the 9 and the 10.

Patti has a radio show with advice people couldn't do without- like every 3 times he initiates, you do to keep him on his toes. Nothing says spontaneous like following a schedule. Oh and give good BJs.

Jason Davis (aka Gummy Bear)- Wow, he's only almost 25 years old? Patti is concerned no one will be sexually attracted to him, which is true because he's nasty. Anyone who has seen a tabloid in the last 5 years knows that. Patti thinks her assistant's hair spikes have attacked his brain for letting Gummi Bear sign up for their club.

Jason has the most annoying grating high voice in the world. He's also crazy.

Ideal girl: doesn't give two shits what anyone thinks of them like him. Clearly- since he has teddy bears that he used to talk for him. Patti thinks the crazy is from walls he's put up to protect himself. I think the crazy is just from the crazy... and years of drug use with a dose of growing up in Hollywood thrown in.

He has that idealized idea that everyone should love you for whatever you are even when they first meet you, even when you have nasty dirty fingernails and look like a smelly homeless person.

Oh I'm blind! Naked Jason Davis only wearing tighty whities. My eyes! My eyes! I hate you Bravo for doing this to me.

Question: Does he use a cane because he has to or because he thinks it's awesome? I really truthfully cannot tell.

First off, he insults a girls necklace, which probably means that now she likes him.

Next a girl tells a p**** joke, which is uber classy. Jason remarks that at least she has a mild sense of humor, so picks her for one of his mini dates. I'm not surprised. Surprisingly she turns out to be a nurse who works nights. And actually isn't funny at all, he declares her boring.

He asks girl #2 what she likes to do and tells her not to BS him. She's like okay, I like shopping and gambling. She has Gummy Bear at the word gamble but covers it up and claims that it's because she's kind.

On the date:

Stephanie says that she doesn't take too many things seriously and just laughs everything off. She may actually be the only person possible for him. Surprisingly he pulled out all the stops for the date...except there's a monkey. He claims it's because monkeys are smart and can tell if a girl is good or not and implies that he can't. So he's less smart then a monkey on a leash. The monkey likes Stephanie and Jason does too.

Now they are farting because that's what we all do on first dates.

Ew! She kissed him. Multiple times. If anything, this proves there's someone out there for everyone. No matter what.

*right about now Lea sat on my hand making it incredibly difficult to type, sigh!*

Post date:
Jason tells Patti that he asked Stephanie out again for a second date but oh surprise! she has a boyfriend! Wait, what? Patti wants to start over and really wants to meet the monkey, who apparently was wrong with it's girl good-dar.

David- Wants a girl with a Meg Ryan personality, smiley eyes. He quotes Sleepless in Seattle which Patti interprets as "bells and whistles." Early 30s-early 40s but wants kids. Declares he seems perfect but can't be or he wouldn't be signing up with Patti. He's 50, but quite hot. then reveals he originally was an actor and model, not surprising. He runs 8 miles 5 days a week. He reveals what's wrong- he doesn't approach people. Patti is giving him a "hunter, fisher" life coach.

The life coach doesn't believe that David really has no idea what to do or how to approach people, he says that's just not possible. They do "trial by fire" in which they discover that all he does is talk about himself and about stuff in general. He doesn't allow for ebb and flow or ask them anything. The girls interject "just pretend you care, even if you don't- we can't tell the difference" which is actually really true.

Patti is super sneaky and put in an older millionairess for David- of course they hit it off immediately. He ends up picking a 25 year old and the millionairess, then picks the 25 year old. Patti is pissed off and tells him off. David follows her lead but I have to wonder what Leslie is going to think when she watches this show, which makes me sad for her.

On the date:
Leslie has 3 sons (wow! she looks great!) and is happy that Patti told David already that she is a millionairess. I'm glad that he told her that. They seemed to hit it off and she wants to go out with him again but my hunch is he'll claim there's no chemistry and wants the 25 year old. We'll see if I'm right.

Post date:
I'm right! He has a problem with her age and that she has 3 kids. Patti declares he just wants a baby maker and writes him off.

Patti has a wedding planner that she liked. She wants a funkified wedding that's kosher for 300 people. I will be amazed if the wedding planner makes it to the end without being replaced. She also throws Chelsea a birthday party and gets her a stripper who is a "detective." I find all cop and detective stripper characters hilarious because some people *cough* get that every day. Booyah.

Jimmy D is back! but he's changed because he's a year older and got his head bashed in in a fight. He HAS changed, now he goes everywhere with two massive bodyguards, probably to avoid getting his head bashed in again. I may be alone, but I find him absolutely hilarious and he's cute. He apparently also stopped drinking, comes across as calmer and stopped talking about himself in the third person. That makes him much less entertaining.

Patti is throwing in the curve ball test of the girl old Jimmy D picked before, the girl that she thought was either a porn star or a hooker.

Jimmy D's bodyguards hate him, which is amusing.

He picks Angel, who was Patti's trap. Patti is annoyed. Angel is happy because she gets to go to Vegas on her date.


Woah, she gets to play poker with Phil Hellmuth. It's like my dream date (not really, but I'd at least appreciate it, a lot). She's never played before, so it's completely lost on her but she just happens to win the first hand, probably because the big poker guys were in shock that they actually had to play with that. Also, she apparently smells like alcohol and Jimmy D thinks she's drunk. I dunno if she's drunk but she isn't very smart.

The suspense escalates because Angel goes up to change and disappears. She claims that she threw up and now is asking for money, and also will not let him into her room. That he paid for. Jimmy D has learned that instead of insulting her he'd just cut his losses and go do something else. He gets permission from Patti to call Whitney who lives in Vegas who shows up even though she hates to be second choice because apparently "everyone knows" Jimmy D and how outrageous he is so she's curious.

Post Date:

Angel won't pick up her phone, shocker. Whitney says she liked seeing another side of him and wants to go out with him again. Jimmy D now understands that it's his fault he picked the wrong person and its not just them being crazy.

Mateo is 42 and christian who wants a beautiful, hot, petite, not divorced, christian mother of his children... oh, and who's positive. He actually has a list.

Within 3 minutes he's mentioned that he was one of the original Microsoft millionaires 3 times. I think he's proud of that fact.

Patti is trying to bring up sex and he's avoiding it because he doesn't think it's appropriate. Ooo, now she's making the penis gesture and talking about it. Maybe his head will explode out of embarrassment. His last girlfriend left him for his friend, that's harsh. Poor guy.

He reiterates that he must have a christian girl...

...then he ends up picking Angela, who is Jewish.


They went to a horse track, which is a date I'd never enjoy because I think horse racing is cruel and inhumane. /step off soapbox

Patti knows that religion is a dealbreaker but bites her tongue, but then of course right off the bat they realize that they are incompatible due to religion not even halfway through dinner.

Post Date:

Mateo is very cute and upbeat about the whole thing and is just like well I tried something new and it didn't work out. Oh well! Patti will get him someone else.


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