Monday, May 10, 2010

Growing Pains

Lately there has been a tense feeling of discord in our house. This is unusual for us because we don't fight. I know a lot of couples claim this and then one day you are at their house for dinner and they start screaming at each other about some issue while you awkwardly sit there and then they go "oh that? wasn't a fight, that's how we talk." We actually don't fight. This is actually pretty much a trend for relationships I have.... don't fight at all until the end and then bam! it's over in an explosion of smoke.

For awhile I was concerned that it meant that I was one of those passive aggressive people I claim to hate and just hold everything in or even worse, a doormat. It took quite a bit of introspection for me to realize that actually I don't really fight with anyone. It's not that I don't have an opinion, it's not that I don't state those opinions- I do. It's that I just say here's my opinion, they give theres and we come to some conclusion or agree to disagree, all in a very calm normal voice level manner. No yelling, name calling nor bad feelings involved. This works until it's over something I cannot agree to disagree on most of which are dealbreakers; such as alcoholism and crazy stalkerisms or a few lesser not neccessarily dealbreakers such as things that bug me and just won't go away no matter how many times I calmly mention it.  Honestly, I think I got out all my fight desires as an adolescent who threw plates while screaming at her mother. Hey! It's hormones! I couldn't help it! Plus, have you MET my mother? ;-)

I regress, so this fighting thing... it's new to me. I don't even think Bill had any clue how to deal with truly pissed off Kim since he had never really seen it (at least not directed at him), but what it all boiled down to was growing pains.

I feel like we don't do enough stuff together so I blame him and his video games, he thinks I'm just as at fault due to my ridiculous Bravo habit. Here's the thing- when we started dating, he worked midnights. I worked days. We saw each other for a few hours a day, if that. This continued for essentially our entire dating relationship. When that occurs one becomes very capable of entertaining themselves 90% of the time and aren't used to making room for someone else in their routines. Then he switched to days but still works so much overtime that there still are times I only see him (awake) for an hour or so a day. When we have stretches of time where we do have more time together; weekends, time off, less overtime, etc. we don't quite know what to do so we default to you live your life, I live mine. Leaving us much like those circles that only slightly overlap but otherwise exist independently.

I was fed up, and even more than that- I was lonely.

In the end, it's actually kind of fun having to relearn someone in a small way in order to find stuff you both like to do. Adds an element of mystery to someone that you thought you knew quite well and shakes old routines up. We're too young to be stuck in a rut anyway.


Angela said...

I can relate to this post 100%. I feel like you're living my life (minus the plate throwing).
Stephen and I don't fight either. Sure, we get irritated with each other and bicker, but we've never had a real blowout complete with yelling and name calling.

When we have a full day together, we don't even know what to do with each other anymore. It's just like you said, we're used to having to entertain ourselves for the majority of the day, so it can be hard fitting each other back into our routines.

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